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It is not uncommon for a person who has been separated from their biological kin to seek and find their roots. Reunions can produce a multitude of experiences. The range an individual can endure during a reunion phase can include being abandoned again to falling romantically in love with the reunited kin member and anywhere in between. The truth is, a reunion is a long phase that can last up to a year or more before the reunited members have established the boundaries of the relationship. Most often reunions are perceived as a onetime event, either an emotional welcome full of tears and bliss or an overwhelming guarded connection. It is an illusion for anyone to believe the initial momentarily experience of a reunion means every next encounter will be the same.
During the reunion phase, the reunited family member’s connection is not stationary. Each individual explores internally their past and present issues surrounding the reunification. Collectively, there is also an outward and inward negotiation of how this new person given the title of a family member integrates into the family system already established.
I am an adoptee. I searched and found both my biological father, biological mother and met some of my biological siblings.
One of the most painful events in my life is my reunion to my kinship. My reunion experience has provided me with an in depth knowledge of the many facets and stages reunions mandate from each individual. As an art therapist and childbirth educator I have studied attachment theory and object relations theory. Along with my clinical skills and first hand knowledge of reunions, I am inspired to devote my time and expertise in this field reunions and genetic sexual attraction.
Source: Carly Sullens
Reunion Poll
Have you Heard of Genetic Sexual Attraction?
See results without voting
Source: Carly Sullens
Relatives happen: Relationships Take Work To Put into Proper Perspective
Wanting to search and find birth relatives may support the adoptee in seeking to understand herself better. To gain information about her genetic history, stories about her birth parents and her own birth story, information of why and how the adoption occurred, finding other relatives, and seeing and experiencing similarities that have not been a part of her life are all knowledge to gain and integrate within the psyche. A reunion is a highly emotional and powerful event for everyone involved
Adoption is a lifelong process for all who are directly involved, otherwise known as the adoption triangle- adoptee, birth parents, and adoptive parents. This triad creates an intricate web of shared commonalities throughout a life span. Weaved in the adoption triangle are an array of emotions and issues that are part of each journey directly affected by adoption, such as grief, loss, guilt, shame, joy, attachment, rejection, and intimacy.
For the adoptee, underlying the anticipation of a reunion is the fear of possibly being rejected again. For the biological parent there may be underlying guilt and shame. Rejection can happen again. Many of those who plan a reunion have thought about that and prepare mentally for further abandonment.
However, most do not know prepare for a reunion that provokes an intensity of powerful feelings and a sudden almost irresistible sense of falling in love, also known as genetic attraction. The fear of rejection and guilt are kept at bay for a while and washed over with these powerful feelings of euphoric love and attachment.
Source: Carly Sullens
Genetic Sexual Attraction
Genetic Attraction takes the form of an overpowering, almost electrical grip of emotion, associated with an inability to keep away from the other person including the need to touch, to spend time together, talk and share. Regardless of if one prepares or not, genetic attraction phenomenon may indeed happen. However, preparation gives those involved in genetic attraction equipped understanding to manage through this phenomena fairly better.
The attraction, emotions, physical sensations are extremely heighten that a Genetic Sexual Attraction may occur, (GSA). This phenomenon happens when a sexual relationship results from these attractions.
Genetic Sexual Attraction
Are You At Risk for Genetic Sexual Attraction?
There is no comprehensive study that can clearly state someone will experience Genetic Sexual Attraction (GSA) or not. However, being one of the leading pioneers in this field of study, experiencing GSA myself, and listening to similar GSA reactions from hundred's of stories, I created a Reunion Risk Self Assessment.
GSA provokes an immensity of yearning; emotionally, psychologically, and physically to unite and secure the bond that has been missing and now seems impossible to live without. It can happen to anyone. Often those who reunite with a loved one are unprepared and unaware that GSA can happen. It is so unexpected that meeting a family member would create an experience of sexual attraction that it can easily overwhelms an individual's ability to cope.
There are six bands that I consider the most useful to evaluate oneself in determining if they are at risk for GSA.
The six categories are:
- Internal Belief of a Strong Familial Relationship Before Meeting Kin
- Primal Pull To Bond
- Emotional Connection
- Physical Appeal
- Love Affection
- Mental Preoccupation
All reunited family members will benefit from exploring their internal feelings and thoughts relating to this new kin member; including brothers, sisters, mothers and fathers and of course the adoptee. If the adoptee has met multiple family members than she is encouraged to fill a risk assessment for each member.
Important times when to take the Reunion Risk Self Assessment:
- First knowledge of search (either the moment you decide to search, or the moment you were found).
- First time viewing a photograph, hearing their voice on the phone, or receiving any correspondence.
- After the first reunion gathering.
- One week after the reunion.
- Two weeks after the reunion.
- One month after the reunion.
- Any time when you experience a significant change within you self of either wanting to pull away or to bond closer
- Any time their is a significant connection; including holiday's, birthday's, vacations, family gatherings, illness or death in the family, etc.
- Six months after the reunion.
- One year after the reunion.
The scoring goes from 1 to 100. At 1 the reunited family member has no experience, emotions or thoughts of the category being monitored. At 100 the reunited family member has a significant or obsession response to the category being monitored.
Source: Carly Sullens
Reunion Risk Self Assessment
Source: Carly Sullens
1
|
50
|
100
| |
|---|---|---|---|
Internal Belief of a Strong Familial Relation Before Metting Kin
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Does not think about kin, or want to know reunited family members.
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Is interested in finding out familial history and family members. May day dream about these encounters.
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Constantly thinks about biological kin, longs to know who or where they come from. A strong need to meet and know biolgoical roots.
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Primal Pull To Bond
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Feels no driving force behind a need to connect.
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Have a natural sense of wanting to bond through appropriate familial roles.
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Strong need to smell biological kin member, hear their voice, be held in their arms and have increase anxiety when new reunited family member is not available.
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Emotional Connection
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Flat, little to no emotional draw.
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Have a range of feelings including joy and sadness, confusion and optimism.
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Have almost manic euphoric feelings along with sadness and grief.
|
Physical Appeal
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Repulsed, have no need to connect, not even a hug.
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Physical appearance from reunited biological family members is pleasing and enjoyable to find the similarities.
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A strong desire to become sexual physically or even consummate the relationship.
|
Love Affection
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Feels no strong feelings of love or connection.
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Feels like meeting a best friend or kindred spirit.
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Feeling an unexplained strong emotional connection to your reunited family member.
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Mental Preocupation
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Does not think about reunion or biological family member(s).
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Thinks about reunited family members, but also can maintain focus on work and day to day activities without concentration being interrupted.
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Constantly thinking of reunited family member Highly distractible, unable to concentrate.
|
Reunion Risk Self Assessment
Source: Carly Sullens
The Phantom Family Memeber
The internal belief of a strong familial relation before meeting kin, is significant because the adoptee and other members connected to the adoption, have already established a relationship with this person in their mind. Even if they have never met before, have little to no information about each other, the mind will relate to the phantom mother, father, child or sibling.
The significance of this phantom connection is different for all adoptees as for all birth parents. Some adoptees spend a majority of their life connecting with this phantom parent, while other's do not. Just as some birth mothers, long and dream about the child their bore and relinquished. In their mind they play out how this child now an adult is doing.
How we relate to our phantom biological kin prepares the ground work for the first reunion. Adoptees and birth parents a like will discover if the phantom version of their family member is accurate or not. Once they have a real, breathing person to relate too, each family member will eventual dissolve the phantom and replace him with the actual person in their mind.
Some adoptees have a positive association with their biological long lost relatives. Some do not. Entering into a reunion the already preconceived thoughts and feelings, strongly positive or strongly negative will influence the connection.
Someone who already has a positive, eager disposition to reconnect will be more open to trusting this newly form relationship. Whereas, someone who is a little more guarded will most likely need time and space to develop a trusting relationship.
The eager ones, are at more risk for GSA, because they have already let their guard down, without getting to know the depth of the person by developing and building a trusting relationship over time.
Source: Carly Sullens
My Initial Reunion Risk Assessment Towards My Biological Father
This describes an accurate assessment of how I felt when I first met my biological father.
Source: Carly Sullens
Feelings in Reunions Change
As stated earlier, reunions do not happen for one day, they happen over a period of time. The first assessment I did regarding my biological father depicts little to no indicators at being at risk for GSA.
However, my feelings for my biological father, significantly changed when my (adoptive) father and 3 years latter (adoptive) mother died. All of a sudden their was a huge change in my life and my feelings and longings to connect to my biological father changed, as did his.
Risk Assessment Indicating Genetic Attraction
Assessment reflects my connection with my biological father after my mother died (adoptive). I was clearly experiencing GSA.
Source: Carly Sullens
Profound Connection VS. Abandonment
Unfortunately, GSA that results in a sexual relationship- sexual exploration to intercourse- usually is the catalyst for further and permanent separation, not just from that family member, but from an entire family unit.
Those who take the Reunion Risk Self Assessment and their points are close to the 100 mark, need to be aware, that 100 to 1 are not so far away. Often times the band bends, and the deep, powerful, special relationship not only comes to a halt but becomes destructive.
There is no quick solution for managing the intensity of GSA. However, pacing and allowing time to be an ally in slowing things down can help ease with the transition. Getting immediate help and support on how to manage GSA feelings has proven to keep GSA boundary and decrease it's intensity.
Extreme Points are Not So Far Away....
After GSA Risk Assessment
Source: Carly Sullens
GSA can be emotionally, mentally and psychologically traumatic. Often those who reunite with a loved one are unprepared and unaware that GSA can happen. It is so unexpected that meeting a family member would create an experience of sexual attraction that it can easily overwhelms an individual's ability to cope.
My reunion with my biological father changed over the course of 6 years. Currently I have no relationship with my biological father. GSA and how it was managed destroyed the ongoing relationship with my biological father that spiraled and ended all my relationships with my kin. Including my relationship with my biological siblings and biological mother.
Source: Carly Sullens
GSA Support
Having knowledge about GSA is benefical for all involved in a reunion including:
- The adoptee or child
- The birth mother
- The birth Father
- Full Siblings
- Half-Siblings
- Siblings that the adoptee was raised with
- Adoptive Mother
- Adoptive Father
- Spouse of the adoptee
- Spouse of the sibling found
Because GSA has a direct effect on a whole family system, I recommend that those who are witnessing signs of GSA to get those involved immediate support. I have counseled, adoptive father's who are worried about their adoptive daughter and her reunited biological father. I have counseled, spouses who are deeply wounded by the tsunami of GSA coming into a strong marriage and breaking it apart. I have counseled, adoptees, birth parents, siblings who find themselves in the powerful connection of GSA. I have counseled parents who find that their newly found child is experiencing GSA with another child this parent raised.
Help is available.
Although my reunion story ended in devastation, it did not destroy me. I now know the perpetual adoptee question of 'who am I?' and that is worth all the pain and suffering. I am strong within myself and know I am the DNA from another family, but more importantly I am my (adoptive) parent's stories and rituals kneaded in me from my ancestors recipes.
Other Hubs About Adoption by Carly
- Adoption Reunion Preparation Advice- Knowledge You Must Know When Finding Your Biological Relatives.For the adoptee, underlying the anticipation of a reunion is the fear of possibly being rejected again. Rejection can happen again. Many of those who plan a reunion have thought about that and prepare mentally for further abandonment. However, most do not know to prepare for a reunion that provokes an intensity of powerful feelings and a sudden almost irresistible sense of falling in love, also known as genetic attract. - 4 months ago
- WARNING! Know What Can Ignite When You Reunite! All Adoptees and Birth Family Members Need To Know.When an individual meets a blood family relative that has been unknown all (or the majority) of one's life, it is important to be aware for the vastly different scenarios that can occur: The feelings of attractiveness towards a reunited family member has been kept shrouded in the adoption community. Without any idea this can occur the matches of genetic sexual attraction can unknowingly or haphazardly catch on fire. - 4 months ago
- Adoption Stories: 10 Things Not To Say To Someone Who Is AdoptedEach adoptee is different. Depending on how the adoptee relates to their adoption story and integrates into their adoption family, will require different sensitivities from people within the family system as well as the community at large. It is important to know some etiquette when talking with an adoptee. - 2 months ago
- Adoptees Are Reminded They Are Adopted When...Most adoptees do not think of themselves as adopted during there day to day activities. However, there are times the 2x4 adopted plank hits the adoptee right over their head reminding them of their adoptive status. Here are some situations that jars the adoptee to their adoptive identity. - 4 months ago
- Adoptees and Reunited Family Members are at risk for Trauma Because of Genetic Sexual AttractionIt is so unexpected that meeting a family member would create an experience of sexual attraction that it easily overwhelms an individual's ability to cope. - 4 months ago
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